The Vault: Freeing the Thorn

So I ended my last update/rant post rather abruptly didn't I? Yeah I thought so too but you're in luck! I'm introducing a new segment to get me to post things other than writing updates and book reviews on this lovely blog and to post something regularly.

And it's called...

'The Vault' is going to be dedicated to tearing my old (anything 'scrapped') work apart. Originally, I was planning on posting this on Fridays exclusively but I'm going to shoot for at least a bi-weekly thing. I won't be rewriting anything. I won't be editing it (with exceptions of adding names). Just reading and laughing at my poor use of the English language.

The first will be a continuation of the last post. Coincidentally, I managed to find the original document. To be Honest, I'm seriously surprised that I still have it. For those who missed out on my last post, 'Freeing the Thorn' (it's official title) was a Legend of Zelda 'fan fiction' about a girl named Terra/Terr of Ra who wanted to escape her life in this po-dunk town (Seldom), managed to kick every man in town's ass with a 'stick' (bo staff) and ended up leaving with the town's 'princess' to a tribe of tree dwelling centaurs. (Yeah. it was that ridiculous)

Anyway, here's some of the text available in this trash. Straight from chapter two (during the 'swordman's contest'):

The next day 'Terr of Ra' was in armor and had her weapon ready Meldon [her 'spokesperson'] was right behind her trying to calm her down. Her 'stick was a spear with out the arrowhead on it's top. "Terr why did you choose a stick? You could have used a sword or a ax.""Sticks don't kill and that's what I'm trying to do. And plus swords are too long and axes are too heavy.""You got a point there," her companion agreed.

Look at that mess. My grammar... so glad to say I've been long past that stage.

Also remember my last post? Where I mentioned centaurs in trees? Here's an excerpt from that chapter (like a chapter or two after):

"Yes, the beautiful Terra. Will you marry me?" the prince was on one leg staring into her eyes.
"I barely know you but I'll think about it." 

Seriously Terra? Earlier in the chapter you were totally giving him a cold shoulder and being a mega bitch. Hell you even said 'I barely know you.' In my book, that's a 'no' but you'll 'think about it.'

I laughed my ass off reading that whole scene and scared the crap out of my cat (sorry Leo). Also later that chapter, Terra and Matilda (our princess) escape with the help of one of the servants and express to this servant not to tell the prince. Wouldn't this servant--who is employed by the Centaurian nobility mind you--tell his lord that these girls--one of which is the one he asked to marry him--that these girls were going to run away?

PLOT HOLE! Guess his lord isn't as important as these random, two-legged girls. Also, if Terra were to marry Ian (our four-legged prince), how would they ya know... make babies? RULE 34!

Another hilarious quote:

“Might I help you young lassies?” he said from his little alley.“Yes, can you help us find a hiding spot?”“I could always try. Are you running from some one?”“She is,” Matilda said to him, “this man thinks he can go about marrying girls. Ha, nobles can be so stupid.”“You shouldn’t be talking Mattie. You are a noble.”

Now I feel like I should address where this quote is coming from. T and M just got into a town by the name of Ra (sound familiar?) and are trying to hide from Ian and his Centaur people. The person they're talking to is a crewman of her father's ship (COINCIDENCE!) by the name of Ivan (his name isn't revealed until a chapter later). Eventually, they take shelter on her father's ship and leave the island/continent whatever it is. Also, Ivan instantly hits on her and shuns Matilda.

More quotes:

Later that night Terra and her companion were in their bedchambers Matilda asked, “Did you meet that cute Pirate?”“Yes. He bowed to me I asked him if he bows to all the ladies. He said ‘only the most beautiful’.”“He never bowed to me!? I’m ugly!” the princess cried.“You’re not ugly! He just thinks nobles are ugly.”“How did you know that? Did he tell you?”“Yes he did. Let’s go to bed.” She said turning off the light and shutting the door.

I seriously think Matilda was only in this for comic relief. Terra was a Mary-Sue. Matilda was a plastic bimbo...

“Except her,” [Terra] pointed out Matilda who was flirting with Ivan; “she’s just confused. Very confused. She gets lost a lot.”

Oh god. That semicolon. You poor piece of punctuation.

I do like the 'piracy' aspect that I put into this story. Seriously, I do like it. It's not a historically accurate piracy--the characters just sailed over the seas--but I still do use piracy/sailing in my current novels. The new Cerulean has characters that are pirates.

On the topic of sailing the 'seven' seas (I have no idea how many seas were in this novel), Terra picks up the linguistics of the crew on the same day, which got very confusing for me to tell who was speaking. Also, Ian managed to get a ship and crew to try to capture Terra. Would a Centaur like traveling on water? I guess mine did.

Strangely enough that didn't follow my writing was Brie, Terra's cat gifted to her by Ivan, talks to Terra telepathically. Something I did keep and rehash several times is the parental sacrifice. I'd say three-quarters of the way through, a storm hits the ship, Terra's father sacrifices himself to the sea and tells her of her journey into the fabled 'Hyrinia.'

Also, Ivan the guy who supposedly loves Terra tries to threaten her with a knife and his father Meldon manages to save her life. ANOTHER PLOT HOLE! How the hell did Meldon manage to get on this ship? It's in the middle of the fracking ocean! According to my pre-teen logic, he has the power of teleportation.

Also Matilda forces Terra and Ivan to kiss in a way that reads similar to a fight scene:

...terra’s head was pushed into Ivan’s by the princess who was right behind her. The two kissed for a short period of time before the both started gagging and choking.

Doesn't that sound like a fight scene? Her head was 'pushed into' his. Makes me think of someone forcing two people to headbutt each other. Though I like Matilda's assistance in their relationship... although it's budding.

Also, Terra manages to get her father's ship and crew now that he's dead in a letter from her now deceased father:

To my dearest daughter,          I leave you my ship and my crew. I hope that you use these items wisely. I also wish that the adventure that you seek is fantastic. I want you to think of me each and every day. Even though I was with you for a short time and never spent enough time with you. You’re still my little girl.
          Have you looked at the back of your hand lately? (Terra just looked at the back of her hand) It is a magical crest from the mythical world Hyrinia. Yes, it does exist, and that golden shard was passed down through the royal family. (Terra had almost fainted) you must now protect that herald. For it will lead you to your precious future. If he gets his hands on it you, and the fate of the human race, will be destroyed.
Captain Joeman

Something I learned in the years post writing this, is to not address specific actions during a letter. It looks quite sloppy and it's supposed to be a reprieve if you will of the story. Get information out now then discuss the character's actions/thoughts.

Also, Ivan digs through her belongings looking for Terra's shard of the triforce (one of the few elements I decided to keep). Coincidentally, he doesn't find it, she reveals the triforce on the back of her hand and she screams before fainting.

In the end, her grandfather dies, the villain is named (Ganondorf--another element I kept), Christmas is mentioned (yeah. I guess they celebrated Christmas in Hyrinia) and she gets a magical compass (a nod to PotC). Although this compass is magical like Jack's it doesn't point to the thing someone desires. Instead it points to some 'unknown' destination (it was the submerged castle of the Hyrinian royal family).

And this is where I shall leave you with the first edition of The Vault but, before I go, the last line of the story...

Her mission was to save this world of his deadly hands and she was going to do it alone.

The deadly hands of awful grammar, poor spelling and the evil plot hole.


Update 8.21.2016: Retroactively adding pieces to FF/FP and adding links. Sadly, this novel made it to the chopping block and is therefore unavailable.